The autumn season is upon us, as the environment and world all around changes beyond our control. There is a chill to the air, as green deciduous leaves full of life, begin to slowly fade into such brilliant and vibrant colors they have never experienced. For the leaves, the future is unknown…yet for us, we can predict through our own seasoning what will happen. Witnessing the beauty of a Northeast autumn slow fade is quite an amazing experience. As the majority of leaves release themselves to move on, there are those who stubbornly cling to what they were and wanted to be…unable to accept that the natural cycles of life are beyond our control. Such was my story prior to and shortly after entering Alcoholics Anonymous, and it continued on as I fought to cling on in my delusion, to the expectation of MY place in life and MY plans for ME. I was not ready to let go. 

There was a fear I had of the unknown; the places I had never been, the people I certainly did not want to meet…and in uttering those broken defeated words “I’m Matt, and I’m an alcoholic”. The leaves might find some relation, as they cling to what they’ve known, in fear of where they have never before been. Who willingly chooses to let go of everything they’ve known, to drop into a freefall with little to no control?

And then I witnessed the transformative, life changing program of Alcoholics Anonymous at work in the lives of others. Members that were worse off than I, but had overcome their struggles and despair, and now vibrantly radiating a brilliant glow and such ownership and acceptance of who and where they are, that it opened my willingness to listen. I was told that the changes required started with, and within ME! The cliches “If nothing changes, then nothing changes” and “The only thing you need to change, is everything” was a difficult one to accept. Was I really THAT bad? It was not the force of rain, nor the gusting wind…not the attractive warmth of the sun or debilitating chilling frost, or the thousands of other leaves that made me let go…the willingness to change, needed to start within ME.

As hurricane season carries severe weather up the coast and to the Northeast, I clung in denial to that last chance that I could return to and remain a green leaf as I’d always been. The destructive power of my choices left me in a state of constant emergency and chaos, as I willingly fought with resistance to remain in the world I was actively destroying, both around and within me. This could not be the end…this could not be MY end. I had control…I did not need to change. Finally, the self loathing, disgust for who and what I’d become, and solitary life created with my own isolation was enough for me to reach the point of broken. I could not bear another breath to continue living in the misery and despair I’d created through my actions and inactions.For me, there was no other choice. I let go. 

Another AA cliche was and IS quite true for me, in both my alcoholism and journey through sobriety: “When the pain is great enough, you’ll change”. And now, as I sit in the light and beauty of sobriety today, I can express to all of you with extreme gratitude and an abundance of blessings, beyond what I’ve ever known or could have anticipated. The day I surrendered and gave up fighting alone, was the day I found the HOPE and opportunity of choice that had been so desperately grasped for and sought on my own. 

Recovery and the most profoundly positive, life altering change is here for each and every one of you…all you need to do, is let go! 

Come out and meet me for a change sometime. 

Yours truly in service, 

Matthew K – District